an american boy lost in new york

curious spirits and devilish appearance

i need a woman in my life
staring into the bottom of the toilet bowl thinking about the quintessential feeling of art
of creation
off creation i am thinking of sex
a rebel without a wind of direction or location to place his progression
i am thinking of fucking and i feel lost in the connections of life 
i am the coolest uncool person out there and there feels to be no one like me
it is the summertime and the sun is hot, the concrete burns my dear and it has been another year since i have not seen you
to expect gratification and to repel it 
to fight yourself and recognize you were never ever able to reciprocate love until you are with one
the sounds in your ears, the sweat drips down your face, stressed beyond your years, all i ask is a taste, honey im tired of my peers
i see skin sumdays and cutshort denim, the bounce between your left to your right i am admired by fine thighs
the longing of WANT weighs on my chest , the heat gages my stare , solemnly understanding i have always been scared 
the sexy bodies on my screen , and the common theme , of bottomless anticipation 
the sundresses , hot messes , thinking of texas , morning stretches , her blesses , oh how reckless , to feel deathless , go to bed less , see breast less , nostalgically breathless , in a pink nest best , those warm caresses
the ambiguity in U S
the dissonance of finite glory
i am tired of the facade of movement of mouth , tired of repetition in rendition ,
how they all looked so successful in their social bouts and how far away i felt in doubt 

ok guyz i make musik now. 

nah jk but this is crazy, look i made that cover and its on my computer and i can listen to this music and the music is good.  wtf.  YO IM ONE OF THOS PPL WHO HAVE FAKE SPOTIFY PROFILES BC IM FEATURED ON OBSCURE RAP ALBUMS ONLY SOME PPL LISTEN TOO wow the dream is coming alive

I am very happy for this and for my friend jodi.  

i am happy to have spent such close time with him in the summer and fall of last year

I am "featured" on the song snowflakes.  I come at the end in an outro from an audio clip i sent jodi in 2017.  I hate listening to it, it makes me cringe so hard, I have on this really melodramtic voice and it makes me feel weird.  nevertheless, i am so grateful to have landed my voice on jodis project and regardless of my insecurities i am thankful, to my ambition to my friends and my history.



im so melodramatic

i dont know how i feel so lost and determined at the same time
these contrasts tear me apart
my chest pulls within itself , lost again

i have no money
everything i want to do requires money
then get a fucking job!
you ask questions you know the answers to yet remain clueless
you remain clueless until you are dumbfounded by the truth of your ignorance
you remind me of your grandmother sometimes
no dont say that
but you do, only i could know
only i could know what you do in your spare time and where your mind resides when the lamp is on in your room
you are not yet saved
i am the only one who knows
i know your blood i know your soul i know your body i know youre blind
blindFOLDED by no one but yourself
but i want to be prioritized by more people, respected , i want to be respected
i feel exhausted , i am always telling myself i am exhausted having to prove something to my people
i feel overlooked, i reach out and i try to be cordial and i try to be rational and reasoning when i talk and enunciate with my tone and my attitude and yet i still feel i am here.  in the same place as once before , and once more
they still do not see me and i dont know why
and what do you expect? gratification? roses to your feet? 
no but , im unsure , what i expect from people i jus
you just need to be angry,  you need to be demanding , you want respect then you demand it
there is no place in the world for you, they do not make a place for you, you know that, the ones that look like you, talk like you walk like you, there is no place for you, they do not care, even by your own people they will compete and climb over you digging their foot in your face to get over you, do you not see?  there is nothing cordial about any of this. there is only the wise and the wiser.
this is a violent world
i will find my place , despite your words i know something authentic and new, and although there is truth in your word id rather go about my own way and fail before i boast and expand myself to become what i am not.  i may be lost but i know what i am everyday.  i know who i am, but more importantly i know who i am not
.so be it.

my nose is running runnin runnin runnin

im trying to figure out how to capitalize in a capitalist society
im back in the summer time again and so are we
on most days the sun shines on the streets so bright you can feel the concrete burn.
i come back to the same words and phrases in my mind, 
i need this i need that, i want this i want that,
mss'n u make me blu
how the season goes 
sand falls through hands
and once again all the time is lost
im made in brooklyn , 
the wind touches my scalp and i feel cool summer air run through my hair
im trying to describe a feeling ethereal but its beyond me
people pass by they pass by and i am only constant to myself
see me i see nothing i only see something coming , infinitely coming
how to undo whats done the weight of the world in blood,
. they do not love us . i can not fuck up .
i am enlightened by the future.
the youth of the future 
we will see the future
we will see the future first
the 4 yr old girl with a unicorn in her hand
imagination runs wild and once again we are here
where we were once before and never again
i will see to it i swear
smile a little while while you stare into the crevasse of tomorrow
i see to it i swear 



tonight tonight tonight
tonight i mourn
tonight i mourn the death of my cousin.
tonight i feel my blood
tonight i make myself into a fool
tonight i try to get some shit off my mind
i guess it gets better with time
tonight i am alone in my room
tonight i speak on the matters of soul and solace, 
tonight i wanted to cry
tonight i cried
tonight i am jealous
tonight i am envious
tonight i am angryy
tonight tonight
 tonight i am emotional
tonight what the fuck i didnt know id get here, i didnt know id see this, 
tonight i want to say sorry to those who I hurt
tonight i find no solace
tonight this is incomplete
tonight i sleep alone

i think im beginning to make a series of videos like this,with the same structure and idea of discovery through technology, a digital dance between computer editing algorithms and my ... head .... algorithms.

anyway this video is called

DIGITAL choreography (thank u daniela)

I wear a different outfit and different mask for each song and each artist

yo i dont wanna be anywhere yo
i dont wanna be anyone yo no where and no one by no definition am i 
i dont wanna be outside or inside i dont wanna be here or there yo
no here or there no peers no dares im done with the cares 
i dont wanna be hunter or jesus i dont wanna be that thing i cant stand i dont wanna sing where i can stand
i dont wanna be in bed or dead i dont wanna be remembered by someone who cant read
what do i wanna be  wanna be cruising downtown in my girls car on the expressway to a new day do i wanna be wearing a crown thats too big for my head piece. 
i cant seem to find any peace.
please find my solace fore i break my knees to see my next person
fuck this im sweating now and im cursin.

misty cloud bottoms

valentino,, with river,, end of ma
I havent been here in a couple of months, i havent been here since p passed, i havent been by the water since last solstice, havent looked in the sky since November night
it may be raining in jersey but the sun shines over here,, the sun shines over here yeah.  The light passed by, I am golden on this stone, I am golden and broke. I am open to those who dont know (no im not)
Rivers skin is blue and dirty with the days ride, I find solace in the way you hold me, solemnly writing in the cold breeze of a good day, I feel it coming more than before.
Misty Cloud Bottom & the thoughts continue after this comma, imma write this down on blank pages that I am the greatest when im here by the water.  By the water I learned about this, about risk, the matter and dismanner of tranquility infront of my camera
I am here with you now, my lover, my hope & power
I write this to you because even when I am ill you are my boo.
("ive lost it, im dissapointed, ive loved it")
i bruised my knee hoping the turnstile today.
i ride for no one but i got the benefit of someone on my back
im tryna train my words so they sound a lil more secure but ..
i find myself back at the start of this curve.
this is horror music for the purple night of a clear ass day , this is aid to me for today i got to see the clouds move past the gray .
these words dont make sense but i keep typing with the same confidence you left me with after an afternoon of making love to your moon 
all in my room with nothing but the sound of gross tunes and the beat in my fucking chest 
i underestimate the reminence of my youth but i dont beleive in dwelling right now ill save that for the rest of these shallow tunes
. improper grammar and punctuation this the black enunciation 
luna up above and river right below i take all this time real slow cuz i know this all be over soon, it all blow over soon , when its gone too soon 
get my medicince out the shoe box and ooo my way over to the benefit of my counterfeit intoxication.
id burn all the night if i could but ive never been able to hang
appropriate and inappropriate fashion 

The Transit Adjudication Bureau (TAB) is responsible for processing summonses issued to individuals who have allegedly violated one or more of the rules governing conduct in the use of subway or bus facilities in the New York City Transit system. Violations are issued by NYC Police Officers and/or NYC Transit Inspectors who enforce the Rules of Conduct. The Rules of Conduct include violations such as fare evasion, smoking, or interference with the movement of a transit vehicle.


my skin colors real
they know it too , you see their faces
the white woman in the street
like my mug might've mugged them before 

Somethings in
 The Water-=

whos to be a saint when no ones good at all, what to do when your home is now dull, Music moves, it moves, my skin vibrates, my mind in rhythm with the rhythm,
i wanna feel a body new,
the vibrations of this memory send the right kinda idea.
hold this close her face sculpted by the best genes of two who held eachtother before. OH my blood ! your blood is perfect for my stature. Ill move you into a high of known definitions.  pull the lens to my eye and see it through another tide.  clouds through the glory of a gods might.  one time i wish you good chase the high till it leaves you dry ill lick the sweat from your hips to make it mine.

i am actively trying to improve my self awareness.  my self awareness, my self awareness, my self awareness.  three pounds of fat floating in spinal fluid, to support a complexmind.  I feel an emotion. I feel something I know is real.  I am a body, i treat my body right, I excersize and I eat my vegetables and pursue an education.  i am well aware of myself, of who i am, my definitions and they're layers and the language between those layers.  mychest moans this great emotion of existential vigor.  i type on various keys looking at a screen that is owned by a name which wasn't mine a year ago yet holds facets of my voice and essence.
I am emotional.  I am an emotional boy with four of his ten fingernails painted blue who lives in Brooklyn.  I am emotionaland I amunsure.  I am lonely and I am confident.  I am sure I love.
the importance of a photograph and the importance of my hands , I am nothing without my tools and my tool makers , my language and my translation , i speak to you because i am real , i speak to you but you are I.  for no one is in this opaque room but my body and my character.   my character and this song that ive persistently hummed for a year just about now , i hum i hum this execution of suffering, this execution of dread , i am my will , I am my repetition and my contradiction , this is not a measurement of passion but a testament of it written on a stone tablet.

LETs set a vibe first YEAH?

grandpa is dying on the couch watching history on the t.v.

something something

I am inspired by, I am inspired by, I am inspired by, I am inspired by my city.  The city which I was born into and raised within, New York City. Why am I inspired by it, why why why.  I’ve been here for as long as I could think. It’s given me a visceral understanding of culture, and the decadence of man as well as the potential of man.  Its taught me about potential and what it means to seek truth in the signs and symbols spread across the given universe. I’ve learned about loneliness and love here, learned about indifference and care and the significance of survival.  In this city there is a great abundance of absolute diversity which I feel has given me quite a critical witnessing of people and how they function. In the past two years i've been quite the wanderer. I observe the other walkers, their faces, their statutes and maybe their intentions.  All the pretty faces, the sad faces, the smiling faces and empty ones. I am unsure yet where I stand in the world outside of my own because I feel attached to so many different experiences and feelings. As if I feel vicariously through the eyes of another. Yet, despite all my confusion it seems almost every piece of me only wants to feel more, I want to know more people, touch the vibrations on someone's neck and grasp the ethereal texture of the world between my two fingertips.  I am given everything yet I only seek for more. To learn and experience more. I believe my environment has shaped me to be everything that I am and more. At the same time, fixed my discontent on something that may be inevitably unattainable.  I am satisfied I am not. I am happy I am not. I am alone I am not. I am complete I am not. I am certain I am not. I am indifferent I am not. I am hopeless I am not. I am a contradiction I am not.
 I am human I am.

new tools

inspo inspo inspo inspo ration, rationally i woulda thought getting fucked up in the shower be a good idea, 10 minutes later assisted deceased , vice fill my lungs , eyes stuck to the ceiling , i seen this over again between the stems of morale, i had to split because i was disinterested because i was fucked up , you told not to hit but i just might hit it up bci walk all along ya street looking at my feet  far from head fully clean.  i never seen something so bold , right now nyc so cold, winter is here and idont know where to go
bumpin shoulders w the devil in disguise
i see people livin life, holdin totems to their leaders and ideologies. i never thought myself as a prodigy. my momma said i cant forget where the intentions of peters life were before he passed, i cant seem to find mine to let the time pass, idly walkin in my room thinking about passion and ass , colors flash by and ifind myself caught bored in the general conversation, i just be lost in romantic ruminations of ladies in red and maybe old summers smokin something i thought wud make it cool.  I thought i was cool a second ago and then we were back being told how to bool.  i send a warning to tomorrow and blow it in the sky i hope i still have this oil bythe time i get there. 

to make poster

I dont know what to write, but i feel like i should, i dont know what to write but i think i should, i dont know what to write, i dont know what to write, there is a red girl i know in broad definitions.  she has plump red lips, wide thin rimmed glasses and a mean wing to compliment her green eyes.  she wears striped long sleeve shirts occasionally and likes her peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with no crust, she is magnetic to those around her however she maintains a lowkey attitude.  she is tall .   and shows an attractive body.   observations or analyzations?  I observe something because I make it significant.  we share history in the same facilities but without crossing paths, how did i not notice.  how do i talk. how do i meet.  Fragments of time broken by the short silence you have when it all goes still

this is what we do to the KKK & bigotry !

there is nothing poetic about this rage
11:47 PM lights out
my throat is burning, i am nauseous, i am humming with low rhythms tonight at 6:09 pm, the sunsets at 4:38 now.  there is only one light on in my room, i feel weak, i feel tired, i feel, im thinking about some of the woman in my life, im thinking about my ex girlfriend now.  i am warm, too warm, i have a headache, i need to take this hoodie off, 
i miss opportunities sometimes, i see the potential as it moves away from me in time until it is no longer available.  i allow it to happen, as i always have. these things come and go but ive always been here.  opportunities and an uninspired will to benefit from them, what am i if i am not ill, if i am not ill i am nothing.  ill with the severance of possibility with people, with people i am better, with people i am alone, with people id rather be alone, with people id love to be alone with, to be alone with nothing but the sound of yourself moaning to the next gasp for breath, gasp for content your gasp of regret, ill hold this body again, again i will move with you, im thinking about myself, its myself i think about.

from my first photoshoot in studio.  i was 14 and i wanted to photograph a wicked girl with a ski mask.  a lot of my shoot ideas then had to do with naked girls, this is no longer my truth.

the sky performs something biblical
sometime last year, before this whole facade began, i told myself "don't sacrifice your identity for success."  i'd like to believe i am someone who doesn't compromise.  not even in the face of doom
no 1 can press me but depressed

cant hide from the block no nooo

sexualized definitions of distant memories and romanticized fantasies.  Excited to paint the light of V I hope to see her tomorrow since April may have been the last time she spelled her sorrow.  V the smile a facade for the invisible appreciation of crowds of extravagance and fraudulent glamour, contextualized by the time of commercial value.  I still hold the idea of you close because its in my human nature to treat a beauty face with worship.  I could never rely on such a person though, id just look at them and take the photo.
Humans are the only animals to consciously fight their sleep.  Tonight I fight mine by typing on an online blog and listening to Al Green poetry of love.  What am i thinking about.  Im thinking about girls.  I think im thinking about girls.  Am i?  the ones with the smiles that last forever.  Shes gonna stop responding to me now, this is the way things work, a new era of social ignorance.  The screen between two faces.  I hope to see this one .  I 
It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die
'Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky

It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gon' come, oh yes it will
yes it will
as long as theres life there's hope
someone stole my Luna from me.  this is a sad night.

this performance is untouchable

I Forgot What I was OK with.  Acceptance is eluding, Briefly.
I know I am lost.
The color purple in idle lines of patience.  Between loud & subtle.

I want to vent, to release, to vent, to release, the frusttrations and anxious thoughts, I dwell I dwell I dwell I dwell, A prayer laid in the light of the same sun.  I see reflections of myself in the whine my mother mourns.  TO vent, reflections, words lost in the indescribable depictions of a lonely child.  who are you if you are not ill.  I am ill with persistence of thought, precisely what to do when no one moves with you.  u fucked some dude while you were drunk and said it was hard to make this decision.  Filled with regret you took a vow to not repeat these mistakes....... these mistakes..... the consequences 0f all your choices will reap your soul , I sit here in a pale blu room haunted by sexual frustration and the thought of someone having something i once called mine.
I want revenge

im tryna find a girl who bumps Trippie Redd
I dwell but I tell myself to be persistent instead, draw comparisons to him and her, how they may be better in the walks and talks of yesterdays intimacy.  I never knew how to do it well but i have a gift of a sensitivity to what she likes.  the woman who walk by, I am unheard of to the loud city around me, people stare and only last night did i stare back
the stress of winter will move in heavy on the Coast, they watch as the clouds move into their ghostly fashion.  The night lights move with style & never fail to fill me with closed anxiety , the patterns on the ripples of this isolated wave moves mostly in the hours of twilight. 
A whirlwind of uncertain anticipation has me up in two time zones. The matter moves & electricity fires as each thought bleeds into the next the days move on and on and bleed into the best, there is all to take, anticipate the hate that keeps you full, the thought to keep you dull, where to feel alive in the presence of others, in the bleak blanket of a moments notice, as her eyes dart attentively from this to that to then to now to me.  To me none of this matters but I fall in the distant illusive matter of consumption. 
I will Bow to my Vanity & Pray with my self destruction.
Tomorrow may work best when its undiscovered, uncovered I will write this down until I am unbothered by the will to keep my mind busy  
Busy and busty I saw you were turned on with the sand between your feet , turn around and walk inland to the beginnings of another good time, one to many years of bad taste can leave you with a face lift, self express I did we took the express back to the patterns I thought i'd out wit, I couldn't hold it anymore and let it go in the privacy of my own buried home.
I misunderstood you while I was trying to understand you, at the time you hardly understood yourself, understanding? I move forward in now but no where in space.  Absolute abstract words to keep me busy in the warm light of a quiet room.  What to do with your time, what to do with your day, with your night, what to do with your light . It boils down to the empathy they gave me through blood and passion,
Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.
Hold it tightly. Hold it Close.  Hold it lightly as you say your
name change.  I have no cultural identity outside of my environment all my roots live in the lavish lights of this city.  My heritage feels absent , a sense of belonging i think i search for , how do you define yourself outside of the words attached to your character what are you if your are not them , the loops will suck you up until you are lost without character , being from new york no longer an upbringing but a title , to walk around and boast how I am best I deserve it I do Me I ME I .  but most arent , ill walk with pride but i know its a facade.  thats why i dont talk , im not sure where its here or its there nonetheless at a loss of words on whos here because of whats there . I shouldn't speak in ambiguities .  i lost track on where I was 

this is the process

i loved her look because she was alive, u could see the confidence in her motion by the way she chose to move her body, i felt honest want for the first time in awhile, the perfume was the same as it had always been. taaaking me baaack, to something full of vague familiarity i dont know why i attract to blonde so easy
when i listen to soul now i think of how we'd dance in the living room together, Marvin Gaye Daisy Mae & Otis.  im sad you're absent but glad your gone... for the most part, maybe i just wanna fuck

Alabama Shakes & Fleetwood MAc these photographs make me reminisce winter, i caress the time 


words on a screen make me uncertain.

how much time do you live in third person

what do u do with your time.  mine spent and lost on double checking second guessing.  i need to develop

-There is independent art present in a world constructed by coincidence-

Bombetoka Bay, Madagascar

in your absence i made your choices for u

Its all just a fucking mood.  What ive done with my years, time spent, time gone done on this type, it revolves around something that was never meant to.  the meaning and lack thereof in the empty vastness of a space never meant to be known, danger and virility up ahead, faith , the roads paved with harmonizing blues , violence will cave my face in , interludes fill the gaps of space to be called important , things , things, things communication scrambled,  solitude & serenity on high noon , summer rest easy now how i loved the strands of hair as they'd  fall in the light of dusk

My Visions Potent with orange and blues, struck at the deadly beauty of radiationThere is Poetry here I just cant describe it as is.  The sky opens up faraway performing something that looks sublime.  An ancient dance longer than I could ever know , The worlds beauties matched by its horrors.  Man can never be good.  The ignorance I feel in the presence of something that will always be greater than myself.  Bound by compulsion and lust.
Beauty & Horror
I look into the eyes of Beauty more than I do Horror yet the cynicism persist.  There is nothing more than this.  It all moves with me & I with it . There is nothing left to feel but everything this can offer.  Divided by Conquest of Powers beyond me.  Beyond the life of this boy and his fellow New Yorkers and Fakers.  It feels so real I could believe it    It feels so real I do
VIEWS FROM THE THIRD PERSON as you dance through the routine & challenge of a life once lived & once known . The water moves in three states.  only here. only here.  The circle breathes.  only here.  only here where I could say I love.  Where I abandon it for indifference.  There are rules here.  No choices but the ones you are given.  I will not worry because tomorrows present will be here to light this pier.  Light the movement of the water/ . Light the small child on her fathers lap.  Light the view of Batter Park from this distance & Light the life of the reclusive one who sits at the pier.
It moves slow...........only now.  How I love you here..... They all move away

You're in my daydreams, i'm in the clouds on the 4th of June, but time dosent matter here.  Neither does the world below.  I hold the thought of yesterday close to my eye.  It looks like an 18th century romantic painting.  
The grass is Green Green Green in the blaze of an exploding sun.  The world is much bigger than both you and I but my thoughts only fall on you
Daydreamin in the sky while my predisposed life waits below me

Its all much easier up here

I'm goin 588 Miles per hour in the state of Alabama taking a glimpse at the death of an American.  It smells like uncared hygiene and old food.
The though of you is all romance, maroon melodies & pink heat.  fired up and anxious. Do you experience youth or remember it.  I remember I loved you i'm not sure ill ever experience it again.

I see mountains and mountains are close,
So I'm searching, here I'm searching for love.
I see the pictures that you take,
The darkness in your days don't change.
They don't change.
What i'm I say, say, say
Would you say, say, say?
you need somebody ...
I'm comfortable to say
That you are going to be OK, OK, OK, OK
Well I'll say, say, say, say, it.
without, without, without, without, without, without
Suddenly insecure once more.  Or uncertain.  I'm uncertain if i'm insecure or insecure that I am uncertain.

Ive had Clarity.  Found some sense in my pocket & spent it all.  Now i'm walking broke in what appears to be a dessert.  Almost certain ill end up knowwhere.  
I want to make art
Maybe I am now
Or ill look back and see
See it so clear, like I have light in my mind.
Show me something to think about, whisper me something to hear I could see it so clear.
I get on track & I lose it
I get on track & I lose it
I get on track & I lose it
I get on track & I lose it
I get on track & I lose it
I get on track & I lose it
I get on track & I lose it
I get on track & I lose it
I get on track & I lose it
I get on track & I 
I care what the passenger thinks because I think he is me.  My chest wants to burst open.  What lies inside i'm unsure.  Words cant contain it.
What the fuck am I doing.  The love Fuck and romance in me wants to show itself.  Exxposed & vulnerable.
There is a woman in the doorway up ahead.  A silhouette with layers & roads.
What else is there but the pains and pleasures of a lifelong supply of 24 hours.  Do you have more pain or pleasure?  Pleasure my pains, I hold this as a totem that none of us are sane.
Hopefulness & hopelessness hold each other in an equilibrium
Im still just a kid.
Back to Top